Jokes

 Ladies Toilet

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
 
Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.  

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.  

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.  

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.  

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.  

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.  

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.  

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.  

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)  

You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?  

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.  

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.  

Friends

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

 
 Irish Coffee

  An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido.

 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor..

 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress... The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus
and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me
then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you,
an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'

 'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as
I' m sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Macdonalds again!


What starts with F and ends  with K?


A first-grade teacher, Ms  Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher  asked, 'Harry, what's your  problem?'


Harry answered,  'I'm  too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and  I'm smarter than she is! I think I  should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.  Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's  office.


While Harry  waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal  what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give  the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to  go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was  brought in and the conditions were explained to him and  he agreed to take  the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x  3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x  6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And  so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader  should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,  'I  think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says  to the principal, 'Let me ask him some  questions..'

The principal and Harry both  agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks,  'What does a cow have four  of that I have only two of?'


Harry,  after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms. Brooks:  'What is in your pants that  you have but I do not have?'


The  principal wondered why would she ask such a  question!


Harry replied:  'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks:  'What does a dog do that a  man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal  sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What  goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and  sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really  wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing  up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does  on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands  .'

The principal was  trembling.


Ms. Brooks:  'What word starts with an  'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal  breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry  in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions  wrong. 


Family Tradition


Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd
each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal
drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and
nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you fuck-wit and you were born in December,.............."

Cartwheels


Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers.."
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

History Lesson

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a
bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick
Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said, "Government of the People, by the
People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny. "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be
ashamed. Little Johnny knows more about history than you
do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!!! Now who
said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny said, "George Bush to the Japanese
Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky,
1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit.
If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice,
"Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against
him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November
4, 2008"

Burglar

    A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight
    around,

    looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
    'Jesus knows you're here.'

    He nearly jumped out of his skin,

    clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

    When he heard nothing more,
    after a bit, he shook his head and
    continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so
    he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
    heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,

    looking for the source of the voice.

    Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight

    beam came to rest on a parrot.

    'Did you say that?' he hissed
    at the parrot.

    'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,

    'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
    watching you.'

    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
    huh? Who in the world are you ?'

    'Moses,' replied the bird.

    'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
    'What kind of people would name a bird
    Moses?'

    'The kind of people that would name a
    Rottweiler Jesus.'




The Nail


Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer
John says to  Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over
to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the
4 x 2 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him
where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the  front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row
of cows and when  she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is
the one....right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be
another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did
you know this is the cow to be bred?"

That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains
very  confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
"I guess it's to hang your trousers on."

Money - how does this work


It's a slow day in a little east Norfolk town. The sun is beating down,
and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and
everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from
down south is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a £50
note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order
to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the note and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to
the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt to
the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the £50 back on the counter so the rich
traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £50
note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future
with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the New Zealand Government is
conducting business today.


Saint Peter


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.' 


FIRE IN BLOCK OF FLATS

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a block of flats.

A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious.
They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and
Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief quietly replied,
 
 

"Simple - they were both at work."


Church Bloopers


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation...
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"